The Pure Wife (18+)

There was a man who wanted a pure wife, so he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.

When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"

She replies "A cock."

He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.

She replies, "A cock".

He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but.... A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.

He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says, "A pee-pee."

He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."

He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, A cock is nine inches long and black!"

Difference between guy and girl fucking (18+)

Girl says: It’s unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he’s a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she’s a slut.

Guy responds: If a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock.

Woman and baby visiting Doctor (18+)

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

Who needs prayers? (18+)

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male alking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Defective nails

Two blondes were looking for work when they came
across a job at a construction company.

The positions open were for people to put siding
up. The two blondes agreed that they could do
the job.

On the first day, the two blondes were putting
siding up and the second noticed that the first
was throwing some of the nails over shoulder.

"Why are you doing that?" Asked the second
blonde. "Well, if I pull a nail out of my pouch
and it's pointed at me, it must be defective,"

"No, stupid!" the second blonde yelled, "They're
not defective! They're for the other side of the
house!"

Listen to your mother (18+)

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

How to drown a bee (18+)

A young couple went to a nude beach on a sunny
day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay
down.

Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and
as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!

So,they rushed to the nearest hospital where the
local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested
putting honey on the young man's penis and see if
he could tempt the bee out.

But the young man didn't like the idea very much,
so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The
Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min,
amid much puffing and panting when the young man
asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"

The Doc replied "I've changed my mind!
I've decided to drown the bastard instead!"

Turn to stone (18+)

There was a black kid and a white kid looking in
the white kids Sisters room through a window.
The white kids sister had her friends over and
they started changing. They took of their shirts,
then their pants, and then their bra's.

Finally they were gettin ready to take off their
panties and the black kid started runnin away.
The white kid is like what the fuck is he doing
and he started yellin, "Wait up, what the fuck
are you doin?"

The white kid finally caught up to the black kid
and said, "What the fuck are you doin man, it
was just gettin to the best part."

The black kid replies, "My mom told me that if I
ever seen a naked women I would turn to stone,
and I already felt somethin gettin hard."

Always check for squirrels (18+)

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle
kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company,
and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of
this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she
came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She
watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal
passion Jane came out into the open and offered
herself to him. As she reclined on the wild
grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big
kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What
the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

10 fruits

There were three men who were lost in the
forest. They were then captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king then told
the prisoners that they could live if
they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the
cannibals and get ten pieces of the same
kind of fruit.

So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the
king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him.
You have to shove the fruits up your ass
without any expression on your face or
you'll be eaten. The first apple went
in.. but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so the savages fell upon him and
devoured him.

The second one arrives and shows the king
his ten fruits were berries.

When the king explained the trial to him
he thought to himself that this should be
easy.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8...
on the ninth berry he suddenly burst out
in laughter. Summarily he was rended limb
from limb and eaten.

The first guy and the second guy met in
heaven. The first one asked, "Why did
you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help
it.. I looked up and saw that the third
guy coming with an armload of watermelons."

Introductions

3 Guys were introduced to a girl.

1st boy:Hi I'm Peter, not a saint.

2nd boy:Hi I'm Paul not a POPE.

3rd boy:Hi I'm John not a Baptist.

The girl replied. Hi... I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.

Dil ka mamla (18+)

Lady to doctor: Mere pati ka bahut lamba hai..
andar jaata hai to dil ko lagtha hai..

Doctor: Theek hai..chota kar doonga..

Lady: Na na..Dil thoda upar kardo...

Ladoo (18+)

Reporter to girl:Jab tumhara rape hua..
tab tumne kaisa mehsoos kia?

Girl:Laddoo agar zabardasti b khilai
jae to meetha hi lagtha hai...

Charge (18+)

Ladka (to call girl):Sex main to dono ko mazaa ata hai
phir ladke ko charge q?

Call girl:Charges to outgoing ko hi lagtha hai
incoming to hamesha free hai...

I Love You means??

Santa (to a girl): I love you means kya hota hai??

Girl: Main tumse pyaar karti hoon

Santa: Eh lo...ek question kya pucha tu
to mujse pyaar kar baithi..pagli...

Bestseller (18+)

Teacher : What should be there in a book to make it a best seller?

Student : A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

Similarity (18+)

What is the similarity between Bra, Panty and Insurance?

They all provide minimum cover to maximum risk areas.

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China .

In order to continue getting-by in China , we need to learn English the way it is spoken.........

Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."


Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...

Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ...... and you do, don't you!

How A Man Discover And Woman Enjoys...

The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.


The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.


The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.


The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.


The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.


Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.... ...

Overconfidence

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,

"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

THINK LIKE A SOFTWARE ENGINEER

THERE IS THIS GOOD OLD BARBER IN LONDON . ONE DAY A FLORIST GOES TO HIM FOR A HAIRCUT. AFTER THE CUT, HE GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AND THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE..' THE FLORIST IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.

NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A 'THANK YOU' CARD AND A DOZEN ROSES WAITING AT HIS DOOR.

A POLICEMAN GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE.. THE COP IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.

THE NEXT MORNING THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A THANK YOU CARD AND A DOZEN DONUTS ARE WAITING AT HIS DOOR.

AN SOFTWARE ENGINEER GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE. ' THE SOFTWARE ENGINEER IS HAPPY AND LEAVES..

THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...?

CAN YOU GUESS?








TRY TO GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.









COME ON, THINK LIKE A SOFTWARE ENGINEER..................










A DOZEN SOFTWARE ENGINEERS WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT!!

Safe sex (18+)

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

Size matters

Wife - Aap bahut mote ho gaye ho..

Santa - Tum bhi bahut moti ho gayi ho...

Wife - Main to maa bane wali hoo..

Santa - Main bhi to baap bane wala hoo..

Kisliye

A boy went to meet his girl friend

When he came at home..

Mom asked: kahan gaye they?

Boy: us se milne,

Mom: kisliye?

Boy: haan bohat kiss liye.

MONKEY IN THE PLANE

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.


The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

Santa in Intensive care unit

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care unit ward, put in a bed tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."

The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."

Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."

Replied the other, "Santa."

A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."

Santa responded, "Sagittarius."

Kingfisher -The King

After an international beer conference in London, all the world's top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.

The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .

The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."

The bartender serves him.


The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."

He gets it.

Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."

The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.

The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, "Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"

"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I"

Sardar and ducks

A sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn't like sardars.

The game warden ordered the sardar to show his hunting license, and the sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?"



The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"

The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"

Again the sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the sardar "Just where the hell are you from?"

The sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert.".

Fastest Thing !

A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party.



While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.

Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him.

He covers the s**t with his hat. When the policeman arrives he asks the man, "What have you go under there?"

The man replies, "I just caught the fastest thing in the world."

The policeman says, "Let me have a look."

The man replies, "As I said, it's the fastest thing in the world. If I take the hat off it it will get away."

The policeman tells the man, "Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it."

The man replies, "OK if you insist."

When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t.

"What's this?" he screams at the man. "I told you it was the fastest thing in the world." the man replies, "But you sure scared the s**t out of it."

Speeding

Ramankutty Nair, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.

He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.



But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here." The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now."

Blunders

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses.

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said

"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...

Ate the cookies..... ......... .

Drank the milk........ ......

Sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....

Screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......

Put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............ .!!!!!!!! !!

Don't Call Home For Money

A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand-new Porsche one day. As you might expect, his parents freak out a little bit.

"Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother.

"I bought it today," the boy calmly replies

"With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And look, here's the title to it!"


This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask.

"It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother. Turning to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walks up the street, where he finds an attractive middle-aged woman in the front yard planting petunias.



He introduces himself and says he's looking for a woman who just sold a Porsche to his son.

"Oh, yes," she responds. "That was me. I hope he's enjoying it!"

"Er... Yes, very much," replies the father. "But to tell you the truth, we can't understand what just happened. Why in the world did you sell it for such a low price?"

"Well," she says, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't plan to come back.



He said he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

For a Change

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.


The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head

85 YEAR OLD TREATMENT

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital." How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. And that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Sad story

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore.

They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel.

After taking rest they started for a local visit.

While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30.

Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.

After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,

"I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only".

Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor.

Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story.

The third one said,

"I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said,

" I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end".

They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said,

" The keys were in my pocket only".

With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.

After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,

" I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only".

Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:



"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this...!!!"

The KGB assassin

The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Musical talent

1 ChhipkaLi Ne Gana Sunaya To

2 ChhipkaLi Diwar Se Gir Gayi

Pucho Q??

Q ki Unhone Gana Sunne k Bad TaLi Bajayi Thi

Aam hai kya ?

A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ... 'Aam hai kya?'

The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte.'

Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ...'Aam hai kya ?'

He gets a little irritated and says... 'Aare Bola na, Hum 'Aam nahi Bechte'

On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him 'Aam hai kya ?'

He gets wild and yells ...'Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to tumhare sar ke upar hathoda marunga '

The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..'hathoda hai kya?'

The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi'

The parrot then asks ... 'Aam hai kya ?'

Password Problem

Santa calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with his password.

No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," he says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains,

"so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," he says,

"but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Opposite of Laughing (18+)

A teacher asks a student:

What is the opposite of laughing?

The student says: sex!

The teacher:

Shame on you! How can you say that?

The student:

Laughing is
Ha ha ha,

Sex is
Ah ah ah

Anniversary gift

Santa ne apne anniversary pe apne biwi ke liye
Gulab ke phool leke gaya.

Patni - Mujhe nahi chahiye.. koi sone ki cheez de do

Santa - Ye lo Takiya so jao

Cinema Hall(18+)

Cinema hall main ek bacha roya

Piche se awaaz aai - "Isske moo main ek chuchi de do"

Bache ka baap - "Kaun Kutta bola be?"

Piche se - "Isske moo main dusra chuchi thuso"

Mitzvah (18+)

A very good and pious Jew, Samuel Goldberg, man dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.

When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time... Nothing but mitzvahs. [Mitzvah: Good deed]

Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."

The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."

The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his home. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, a 79 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.

Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on.

Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Oy, Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done!"

Spaghetti (18+)

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child..

If she stayed in Italy To raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child Turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.


To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife obeyed.


And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Pathan names born in different situations:

Born in Jungle ------- Sher Khan

Born in summer ------- Sharbat Khan

Born during war ------- Barood Khan

Born near ocean ------- Samunder Khan

Born with abnormal features ------- Ajab Khan

Born premature ------- Masti Khan

Born near garden ------- Gul Khan

Born in anger ------- Ghazab Khan

Born in horror ------- Haibat Khan

Born funny ------- Nadia Khan

Born After Suicide Bom ------- Bhadur Khan

Born with talent but no brain ------- Shahid Khan Afridi

Born with Proud of Pakistan -------- Abdul Qadir Khan

Born in Pervaiz Musharaf Government ------ Bardasht Khan

Words of wisdom

A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.


They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.


Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."


She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"

Great babies

One tourist from U.S.A.asked a Sardar: Any great man born in this village?

Sardar: No sir, only small babies!!!

Coke bottle figure

Sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.

Jeeto: Yes darling I still do,
only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
Now it's 2 ltr.

Sardar's revenge

A donkey kicked a Sardar & ran away

Sardar ran to catch the donkey.

He saw a zebra & started beating it & said
'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

Mobile ink

Santa ko ek blank message aaya.

Phir Santa ne ussi number ko phone karke bola

"Bhaisahab aapko maloom nahi hoga par aapka mobile ka
ink khatam ho gaya hai."

Duniya mita doonga

1st Pagal (in anger) - Main is duniya ko mita doonga,mita doonga,mita doonga.

2nd Pagal - he he he... Main tujhe eraser nahi doonga.

Perception (18+)

Women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?


Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!




At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?


Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Things that end with "tor" (18+)

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."


After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my Dad knows a lady named Nancy that has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Skin transplant

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."