During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:
Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!
Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No
Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No
Narayan: He's the guy who's screwing your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Chuck it out
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE. THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
Saturday, July 10, 2010
sui-side
veeru says to jai: jai iss gabbar ka kya karna haijai: iske body mein sui chubha chuba ke maar dalo aur phir sui iske baju me rakh dopolice aake dekhegi ti samajh jayegi...........ki ye Sui-Side ka case hai
new husband and a new dog
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
twisted red riding hood
The big bad wolf tells little red riding hood to suck his dick.
She says... "Look fucker! Quit changing the story! You’re supposed to eat ME!"
She says... "Look fucker! Quit changing the story! You’re supposed to eat ME!"
rubix v/s penis
What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.
framing..
A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Guy fucking girlfriend in car caught by Cop
This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!"
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!"
train journey
A Man & a Pretty Woman Who had never met Before Found Themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.
The man on the Top Bunk & the Lady on the Bottom Bunk.
During the Night, Man woke & asked "Sorry to Bother you But would you reach into the closet to get me a 2nd blanket, I'm freezing!"
She replied: "I've a better idea, Why don't we pretend we are married?"
"Wow What a Great Idea!" he said.
"Good" she said, "Get Your Own Blanket you lazy Bastard!"
The man on the Top Bunk & the Lady on the Bottom Bunk.
During the Night, Man woke & asked "Sorry to Bother you But would you reach into the closet to get me a 2nd blanket, I'm freezing!"
She replied: "I've a better idea, Why don't we pretend we are married?"
"Wow What a Great Idea!" he said.
"Good" she said, "Get Your Own Blanket you lazy Bastard!"
Jale hue lips
aaj galfrnd ko kiya kiss aur jal gaye lips!
wah wah
aaj galfrnd ko kiya kiss aur jal gaye lips!
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Qki wo kha kar aayi thi BINGO RED CHILY CHIPS :*
wah wah
aaj galfrnd ko kiya kiss aur jal gaye lips!
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Qki wo kha kar aayi thi BINGO RED CHILY CHIPS :*
Saturday, June 19, 2010
New way of writing answers in exams
If you don’t know the answer,
then put lines like this:
||||||||||
and write below :
“Scratch here for ANSWERS”
then put lines like this:
||||||||||
and write below :
“Scratch here for ANSWERS”
Black baby
A chinese couple gave birth to a black baby the man asks how that is the woman replied
"I hot, You hot, Sex hot, Baby Burn!!"
"I hot, You hot, Sex hot, Baby Burn!!"
Netaji ki biwi ki gaand
Ek Aadmi ne Netaji ko raat do baje call karke pucha: Tumhari biwi ki gaand hain kay?
Netaji: Bhosadike, bahut badi hai!
Aadmi: Madarchod fir desh ki kyun maar rahaan hain?
Netaji: Bhosadike, bahut badi hai!
Aadmi: Madarchod fir desh ki kyun maar rahaan hain?
The Lie Detector Robot
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair!
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair!
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
People talking behind your back
I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.…
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Nice Ass!!! ;)
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Nice Ass!!! ;)
Man marrying lady traffic police inspector
A man married a Lady Traffic police Inspector.
Friend: How was your first night?
Man: She charged Rs. 100 from me for over speeding, Rs. 200 for wrong side entry and Rs. 500 for no helmet.
Friend: How was your first night?
Man: She charged Rs. 100 from me for over speeding, Rs. 200 for wrong side entry and Rs. 500 for no helmet.
Master Bates
A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
What do politicians and pornstars have in common?
Question. What do politicians and pornstars have in common?
Answer. They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!
Answer. They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!
Difference between guy and girl fucking
Girl says: It’s unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he’s a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she’s a slut.
Guy responds: If a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock.
Guy responds: If a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock.
Cheating Store Owner
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and sub woofers. “How much?” he asked.
“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I'll take that too!” the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
“Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to her, I'm doing to his business!”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and sub woofers. “How much?” he asked.
“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I'll take that too!” the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
“Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to her, I'm doing to his business!”
Mouse joining Lions party
A lion held a huge party at his place. He invited only his fellow lions.
The lions were dancing when a mouse also came a joined in.
The lion asked the mouse why he entered the party when the other species were not invited.
The mouse said "Shaadi se pehle main bhi sher tha"
The lions were dancing when a mouse also came a joined in.
The lion asked the mouse why he entered the party when the other species were not invited.
The mouse said "Shaadi se pehle main bhi sher tha"
Three guys think their wives are cheating on them
One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.
The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."
The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."
Whats another name for a push-up bra?
Question. Whats another name for a push-up bra?
Answer. False advertisement.
Answer. False advertisement.
Some things you just can't explain!
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
Husband bribing wife with flowers
One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”
She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”
Wife cheats on husband 3 times
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Lucy's legs
A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the restaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.
Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.
The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"
Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the restaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.
Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.
The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"
Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."
Desi dulhan fucked by dulha
Dulhan: Aaa Dard ho rahaan hain Aaram se...
Dulha: Kuch nahi hoga bas tum 10 tak gino mein nikaal lunga,
Dulhan: 1, 2 aaa 3, 4, 5 ufff 6, 7, 8 hhmm 8, 8, wow, 8, 8, 7, 6, 5, 5…ab Puri Raat kartay raho, maza aa raha hai!!!!!!
Dulha: Kuch nahi hoga bas tum 10 tak gino mein nikaal lunga,
Dulhan: 1, 2 aaa 3, 4, 5 ufff 6, 7, 8 hhmm 8, 8, wow, 8, 8, 7, 6, 5, 5…ab Puri Raat kartay raho, maza aa raha hai!!!!!!
Woman and her maytag man
A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, "Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn't work." The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The freakin? Maytag man?" and hung up. The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't start.
She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look like? Freakin? Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up. She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood.
Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty." The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "I'll tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me - your choice." Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex. The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?" The lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin? Betty Crocker?"
She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look like? Freakin? Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up. She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood.
Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty." The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "I'll tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me - your choice." Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex. The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?" The lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin? Betty Crocker?"
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
The perfect robbery
A married woman sat and watched quietly as robbers took away everything
in her house.
As they were leaving, she cried out:
WHAT ABOUT THE RAPE ?????
in her house.
As they were leaving, she cried out:
WHAT ABOUT THE RAPE ?????
How not to get a speeding ticket
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”
“She’s in the trunk of the car if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car with a drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”
The man opens the trunk lid, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “And I'll bet that lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”
“She’s in the trunk of the car if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car with a drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”
The man opens the trunk lid, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “And I'll bet that lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The Pure Wife (18+)
There was a man who wanted a pure wife, so he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies, "A cock".
He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but.... A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says, "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, A cock is nine inches long and black!"
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies, "A cock".
He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but.... A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says, "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, A cock is nine inches long and black!"
Difference between guy and girl fucking (18+)
Girl says: It’s unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he’s a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she’s a slut.
Guy responds: If a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock.
Guy responds: If a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock.
Woman and baby visiting Doctor (18+)
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Who needs prayers? (18+)
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male alking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male alking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"
Defective nails
Two blondes were looking for work when they came
across a job at a construction company.
The positions open were for people to put siding
up. The two blondes agreed that they could do
the job.
On the first day, the two blondes were putting
siding up and the second noticed that the first
was throwing some of the nails over shoulder.
"Why are you doing that?" Asked the second
blonde. "Well, if I pull a nail out of my pouch
and it's pointed at me, it must be defective,"
"No, stupid!" the second blonde yelled, "They're
not defective! They're for the other side of the
house!"
across a job at a construction company.
The positions open were for people to put siding
up. The two blondes agreed that they could do
the job.
On the first day, the two blondes were putting
siding up and the second noticed that the first
was throwing some of the nails over shoulder.
"Why are you doing that?" Asked the second
blonde. "Well, if I pull a nail out of my pouch
and it's pointed at me, it must be defective,"
"No, stupid!" the second blonde yelled, "They're
not defective! They're for the other side of the
house!"
Listen to your mother (18+)
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."
"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"
The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."
"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"
The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."
"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"
The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."
"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"
The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."
How to drown a bee (18+)
A young couple went to a nude beach on a sunny
day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay
down.
Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and
as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!
So,they rushed to the nearest hospital where the
local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested
putting honey on the young man's penis and see if
he could tempt the bee out.
But the young man didn't like the idea very much,
so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The
Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min,
amid much puffing and panting when the young man
asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"
The Doc replied "I've changed my mind!
I've decided to drown the bastard instead!"
day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay
down.
Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and
as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!
So,they rushed to the nearest hospital where the
local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested
putting honey on the young man's penis and see if
he could tempt the bee out.
But the young man didn't like the idea very much,
so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The
Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min,
amid much puffing and panting when the young man
asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"
The Doc replied "I've changed my mind!
I've decided to drown the bastard instead!"
Turn to stone (18+)
There was a black kid and a white kid looking in
the white kids Sisters room through a window.
The white kids sister had her friends over and
they started changing. They took of their shirts,
then their pants, and then their bra's.
Finally they were gettin ready to take off their
panties and the black kid started runnin away.
The white kid is like what the fuck is he doing
and he started yellin, "Wait up, what the fuck
are you doin?"
The white kid finally caught up to the black kid
and said, "What the fuck are you doin man, it
was just gettin to the best part."
The black kid replies, "My mom told me that if I
ever seen a naked women I would turn to stone,
and I already felt somethin gettin hard."
the white kids Sisters room through a window.
The white kids sister had her friends over and
they started changing. They took of their shirts,
then their pants, and then their bra's.
Finally they were gettin ready to take off their
panties and the black kid started runnin away.
The white kid is like what the fuck is he doing
and he started yellin, "Wait up, what the fuck
are you doin?"
The white kid finally caught up to the black kid
and said, "What the fuck are you doin man, it
was just gettin to the best part."
The black kid replies, "My mom told me that if I
ever seen a naked women I would turn to stone,
and I already felt somethin gettin hard."
Always check for squirrels (18+)
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle
kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company,
and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of
this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she
came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She
watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal
passion Jane came out into the open and offered
herself to him. As she reclined on the wild
grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big
kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What
the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company,
and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of
this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she
came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She
watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal
passion Jane came out into the open and offered
herself to him. As she reclined on the wild
grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big
kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What
the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
10 fruits
There were three men who were lost in the
forest. They were then captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king then told
the prisoners that they could live if
they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the
cannibals and get ten pieces of the same
kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the
king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him.
You have to shove the fruits up your ass
without any expression on your face or
you'll be eaten. The first apple went
in.. but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so the savages fell upon him and
devoured him.
The second one arrives and shows the king
his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him
he thought to himself that this should be
easy.
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8...
on the ninth berry he suddenly burst out
in laughter. Summarily he was rended limb
from limb and eaten.
The first guy and the second guy met in
heaven. The first one asked, "Why did
you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help
it.. I looked up and saw that the third
guy coming with an armload of watermelons."
forest. They were then captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king then told
the prisoners that they could live if
they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the
cannibals and get ten pieces of the same
kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the
king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him.
You have to shove the fruits up your ass
without any expression on your face or
you'll be eaten. The first apple went
in.. but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so the savages fell upon him and
devoured him.
The second one arrives and shows the king
his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him
he thought to himself that this should be
easy.
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8...
on the ninth berry he suddenly burst out
in laughter. Summarily he was rended limb
from limb and eaten.
The first guy and the second guy met in
heaven. The first one asked, "Why did
you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help
it.. I looked up and saw that the third
guy coming with an armload of watermelons."
Monday, April 26, 2010
Introductions
3 Guys were introduced to a girl.
1st boy:Hi I'm Peter, not a saint.
2nd boy:Hi I'm Paul not a POPE.
3rd boy:Hi I'm John not a Baptist.
The girl replied. Hi... I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.
1st boy:Hi I'm Peter, not a saint.
2nd boy:Hi I'm Paul not a POPE.
3rd boy:Hi I'm John not a Baptist.
The girl replied. Hi... I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Dil ka mamla (18+)
Lady to doctor: Mere pati ka bahut lamba hai..
andar jaata hai to dil ko lagtha hai..
Doctor: Theek hai..chota kar doonga..
Lady: Na na..Dil thoda upar kardo...
andar jaata hai to dil ko lagtha hai..
Doctor: Theek hai..chota kar doonga..
Lady: Na na..Dil thoda upar kardo...
Ladoo (18+)
Reporter to girl:Jab tumhara rape hua..
tab tumne kaisa mehsoos kia?
Girl:Laddoo agar zabardasti b khilai
jae to meetha hi lagtha hai...
tab tumne kaisa mehsoos kia?
Girl:Laddoo agar zabardasti b khilai
jae to meetha hi lagtha hai...
Charge (18+)
Ladka (to call girl):Sex main to dono ko mazaa ata hai
phir ladke ko charge q?
Call girl:Charges to outgoing ko hi lagtha hai
incoming to hamesha free hai...
phir ladke ko charge q?
Call girl:Charges to outgoing ko hi lagtha hai
incoming to hamesha free hai...
I Love You means??
Santa (to a girl): I love you means kya hota hai??
Girl: Main tumse pyaar karti hoon
Santa: Eh lo...ek question kya pucha tu
to mujse pyaar kar baithi..pagli...
Girl: Main tumse pyaar karti hoon
Santa: Eh lo...ek question kya pucha tu
to mujse pyaar kar baithi..pagli...
Bestseller (18+)
Teacher : What should be there in a book to make it a best seller?
Student : A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
Student : A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
Similarity (18+)
What is the similarity between Bra, Panty and Insurance?
They all provide minimum cover to maximum risk areas.
They all provide minimum cover to maximum risk areas.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China .
In order to continue getting-by in China , we need to learn English the way it is spoken.........
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ...... and you do, don't you!
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China .
In order to continue getting-by in China , we need to learn English the way it is spoken.........
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ...... and you do, don't you!
How A Man Discover And Woman Enjoys...
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.... ...
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.... ...
Overconfidence
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,
"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,
"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
THINK LIKE A SOFTWARE ENGINEER
THERE IS THIS GOOD OLD BARBER IN LONDON . ONE DAY A FLORIST GOES TO HIM FOR A HAIRCUT. AFTER THE CUT, HE GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AND THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE..' THE FLORIST IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A 'THANK YOU' CARD AND A DOZEN ROSES WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
A POLICEMAN GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE.. THE COP IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
THE NEXT MORNING THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A THANK YOU CARD AND A DOZEN DONUTS ARE WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
AN SOFTWARE ENGINEER GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE. ' THE SOFTWARE ENGINEER IS HAPPY AND LEAVES..
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...?
CAN YOU GUESS?
TRY TO GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
COME ON, THINK LIKE A SOFTWARE ENGINEER..................
A DOZEN SOFTWARE ENGINEERS WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT!!
NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A 'THANK YOU' CARD AND A DOZEN ROSES WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
A POLICEMAN GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE.. THE COP IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
THE NEXT MORNING THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A THANK YOU CARD AND A DOZEN DONUTS ARE WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
AN SOFTWARE ENGINEER GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE. ' THE SOFTWARE ENGINEER IS HAPPY AND LEAVES..
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...?
CAN YOU GUESS?
TRY TO GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
COME ON, THINK LIKE A SOFTWARE ENGINEER..................
A DOZEN SOFTWARE ENGINEERS WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Safe sex (18+)
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
Size matters
Wife - Aap bahut mote ho gaye ho..
Santa - Tum bhi bahut moti ho gayi ho...
Wife - Main to maa bane wali hoo..
Santa - Main bhi to baap bane wala hoo..
Santa - Tum bhi bahut moti ho gayi ho...
Wife - Main to maa bane wali hoo..
Santa - Main bhi to baap bane wala hoo..
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Kisliye
A boy went to meet his girl friend
When he came at home..
Mom asked: kahan gaye they?
Boy: us se milne,
Mom: kisliye?
Boy: haan bohat kiss liye.
When he came at home..
Mom asked: kahan gaye they?
Boy: us se milne,
Mom: kisliye?
Boy: haan bohat kiss liye.
MONKEY IN THE PLANE
Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"
Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"
Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !
No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"
Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"
Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !
No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
Santa in Intensive care unit
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care unit ward, put in a bed tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."
The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."
Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."
Replied the other, "Santa."
A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Santa responded, "Sagittarius."
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."
The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."
Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."
Replied the other, "Santa."
A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Santa responded, "Sagittarius."
Kingfisher -The King
After an international beer conference in London, all the world's top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.
The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .
The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."
The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."
He gets it.
Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, "Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"
"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I"
The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .
The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."
The bartender serves him.
The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."
He gets it.
Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, "Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"
"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I"
Sardar and ducks
A sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn't like sardars.
The game warden ordered the sardar to show his hunting license, and the sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?"
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"
Again the sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the sardar "Just where the hell are you from?"
The sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert.".
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an honorary game warden who didn't like sardars.
The game warden ordered the sardar to show his hunting license, and the sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?"
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"
The sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"
Again the sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the sardar "Just where the hell are you from?"
The sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert.".
Fastest Thing !
A man is walking home through a park one night after a fancy dress party.
While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.
Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him.
He covers the s**t with his hat. When the policeman arrives he asks the man, "What have you go under there?"
The man replies, "I just caught the fastest thing in the world."
The policeman says, "Let me have a look."
The man replies, "As I said, it's the fastest thing in the world. If I take the hat off it it will get away."
The policeman tells the man, "Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it."
The man replies, "OK if you insist."
When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t.
"What's this?" he screams at the man. "I told you it was the fastest thing in the world." the man replies, "But you sure scared the s**t out of it."
While he is walking home he feels the need to s**t so he crouches down on the grass and does his business.
Just as he is finishing he sees a policeman walking towards him.
He covers the s**t with his hat. When the policeman arrives he asks the man, "What have you go under there?"
The man replies, "I just caught the fastest thing in the world."
The policeman says, "Let me have a look."
The man replies, "As I said, it's the fastest thing in the world. If I take the hat off it it will get away."
The policeman tells the man, "Take the top hat off and as soon as you do I will catch it."
The man replies, "OK if you insist."
When the man lifts the top hat the policeman tries to grab it and gets a handful of s**t.
"What's this?" he screams at the man. "I told you it was the fastest thing in the world." the man replies, "But you sure scared the s**t out of it."
Speeding
Ramankutty Nair, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.
He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"
He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"
Confession
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says , "Dark in here." The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"
The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now."
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says , "Dark in here." The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"
The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now."
Blunders
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses.
The Four Cats !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said.....
"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...
Ate the cookies..... ......... .
Drank the milk........ ......
Sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....
Screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....
Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......
Put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............ .!!!!!!!! !!
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said.....
"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...
Ate the cookies..... ......... .
Drank the milk........ ......
Sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....
Screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....
Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......
Put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............ .!!!!!!!! !!
Don't Call Home For Money
A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand-new Porsche one day. As you might expect, his parents freak out a little bit.
"Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother.
"I bought it today," the boy calmly replies
"With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And look, here's the title to it!"
This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask.
"It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother. Turning to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walks up the street, where he finds an attractive middle-aged woman in the front yard planting petunias.
He introduces himself and says he's looking for a woman who just sold a Porsche to his son.
"Oh, yes," she responds. "That was me. I hope he's enjoying it!"
"Er... Yes, very much," replies the father. "But to tell you the truth, we can't understand what just happened. Why in the world did you sell it for such a low price?"
"Well," she says, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't plan to come back.
He said he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
"Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother.
"I bought it today," the boy calmly replies
"With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And look, here's the title to it!"
This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask.
"It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother. Turning to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walks up the street, where he finds an attractive middle-aged woman in the front yard planting petunias.
He introduces himself and says he's looking for a woman who just sold a Porsche to his son.
"Oh, yes," she responds. "That was me. I hope he's enjoying it!"
"Er... Yes, very much," replies the father. "But to tell you the truth, we can't understand what just happened. Why in the world did you sell it for such a low price?"
"Well," she says, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't plan to come back.
He said he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
For a Change
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head
85 YEAR OLD TREATMENT
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital." How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. And that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet .. And that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing?" he says, "I am told you are giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replied the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Sad story
Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore.
They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel.
After taking rest they started for a local visit.
While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.
After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30.
Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.
After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,
"I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only".
Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor.
Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story.
The third one said,
"I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".
They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said,
" I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end".
They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said,
" The keys were in my pocket only".
With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.
After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,
" I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only".
Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:
"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this...!!!"
They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel.
After taking rest they started for a local visit.
While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.
After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30.
Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.
After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,
"I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only".
Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor.
Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story.
The third one said,
"I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".
They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said,
" I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end".
They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said,
" The keys were in my pocket only".
With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.
After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,
" I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only".
Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:
"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this...!!!"
The KGB assassin
The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Musical talent
1 ChhipkaLi Ne Gana Sunaya To
2 ChhipkaLi Diwar Se Gir Gayi
Pucho Q??
Q ki Unhone Gana Sunne k Bad TaLi Bajayi Thi
2 ChhipkaLi Diwar Se Gir Gayi
Pucho Q??
Q ki Unhone Gana Sunne k Bad TaLi Bajayi Thi
Aam hai kya ?
A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ... 'Aam hai kya?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte.'
Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ...'Aam hai kya ?'
He gets a little irritated and says... 'Aare Bola na, Hum 'Aam nahi Bechte'
On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him 'Aam hai kya ?'
He gets wild and yells ...'Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to tumhare sar ke upar hathoda marunga '
The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..'hathoda hai kya?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi'
The parrot then asks ... 'Aam hai kya ?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bechte.'
Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ...'Aam hai kya ?'
He gets a little irritated and says... 'Aare Bola na, Hum 'Aam nahi Bechte'
On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him 'Aam hai kya ?'
He gets wild and yells ...'Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to tumhare sar ke upar hathoda marunga '
The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..'hathoda hai kya?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi'
The parrot then asks ... 'Aam hai kya ?'
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Password Problem
Santa calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with his password.
No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," he says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains,
"so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," he says,
"but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," he says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains,
"so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," he says,
"but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
Opposite of Laughing (18+)
A teacher asks a student:
What is the opposite of laughing?
The student says: sex!
The teacher:
Shame on you! How can you say that?
The student:
Laughing is
Ha ha ha,
Sex is
Ah ah ah
What is the opposite of laughing?
The student says: sex!
The teacher:
Shame on you! How can you say that?
The student:
Laughing is
Ha ha ha,
Sex is
Ah ah ah
Anniversary gift
Santa ne apne anniversary pe apne biwi ke liye
Gulab ke phool leke gaya.
Patni - Mujhe nahi chahiye.. koi sone ki cheez de do
Santa - Ye lo Takiya so jao
Gulab ke phool leke gaya.
Patni - Mujhe nahi chahiye.. koi sone ki cheez de do
Santa - Ye lo Takiya so jao
Cinema Hall(18+)
Cinema hall main ek bacha roya
Piche se awaaz aai - "Isske moo main ek chuchi de do"
Bache ka baap - "Kaun Kutta bola be?"
Piche se - "Isske moo main dusra chuchi thuso"
Piche se awaaz aai - "Isske moo main ek chuchi de do"
Bache ka baap - "Kaun Kutta bola be?"
Piche se - "Isske moo main dusra chuchi thuso"
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Mitzvah (18+)
A very good and pious Jew, Samuel Goldberg, man dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.
When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time... Nothing but mitzvahs. [Mitzvah: Good deed]
Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."
The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his home. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, a 79 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on.
Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Oy, Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done!"
When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time... Nothing but mitzvahs. [Mitzvah: Good deed]
Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."
The angel thought for a moment and then said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his home. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, a 79 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his bedroom. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on.
Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Oy, Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done!"
Spaghetti (18+)
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child..
If she stayed in Italy To raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife obeyed.
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to Ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she Would go to Italy to secretly have the child..
If she stayed in Italy To raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And Write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child Support payment to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'You received a very strange postcard today,' she said.
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he replied. The Wife obeyed.
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Pathan names born in different situations:
Born in Jungle ------- Sher Khan
Born in summer ------- Sharbat Khan
Born during war ------- Barood Khan
Born near ocean ------- Samunder Khan
Born with abnormal features ------- Ajab Khan
Born premature ------- Masti Khan
Born near garden ------- Gul Khan
Born in anger ------- Ghazab Khan
Born in horror ------- Haibat Khan
Born funny ------- Nadia Khan
Born After Suicide Bom ------- Bhadur Khan
Born with talent but no brain ------- Shahid Khan Afridi
Born with Proud of Pakistan -------- Abdul Qadir Khan
Born in Pervaiz Musharaf Government ------ Bardasht Khan
Born in summer ------- Sharbat Khan
Born during war ------- Barood Khan
Born near ocean ------- Samunder Khan
Born with abnormal features ------- Ajab Khan
Born premature ------- Masti Khan
Born near garden ------- Gul Khan
Born in anger ------- Ghazab Khan
Born in horror ------- Haibat Khan
Born funny ------- Nadia Khan
Born After Suicide Bom ------- Bhadur Khan
Born with talent but no brain ------- Shahid Khan Afridi
Born with Proud of Pakistan -------- Abdul Qadir Khan
Born in Pervaiz Musharaf Government ------ Bardasht Khan
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Words of wisdom
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"
Great babies
One tourist from U.S.A.asked a Sardar: Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: No sir, only small babies!!!
Sardar: No sir, only small babies!!!
Coke bottle figure
Sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do,
only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
Now it's 2 ltr.
Jeeto: Yes darling I still do,
only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
Now it's 2 ltr.
Sardar's revenge
A donkey kicked a Sardar & ran away
Sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it & said
'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.
Sardar ran to catch the donkey.
He saw a zebra & started beating it & said
'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Mobile ink
Santa ko ek blank message aaya.
Phir Santa ne ussi number ko phone karke bola
"Bhaisahab aapko maloom nahi hoga par aapka mobile ka
ink khatam ho gaya hai."
Phir Santa ne ussi number ko phone karke bola
"Bhaisahab aapko maloom nahi hoga par aapka mobile ka
ink khatam ho gaya hai."
Duniya mita doonga
1st Pagal (in anger) - Main is duniya ko mita doonga,mita doonga,mita doonga.
2nd Pagal - he he he... Main tujhe eraser nahi doonga.
2nd Pagal - he he he... Main tujhe eraser nahi doonga.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Perception (18+)
Women are chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Things that end with "tor" (18+)
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my Dad knows a lady named Nancy that has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my Dad knows a lady named Nancy that has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
Skin transplant
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
History book(18+)
Boy -Dadaji kya padh rahe ho?
Dadaji -Ithihas
Boy -Par ye to sex ki kitaab hai
Dadaji -Abe, bhosd***. Mere liye to
Ithihas hi hai na!!!
Dadaji -Ithihas
Boy -Par ye to sex ki kitaab hai
Dadaji -Abe, bhosd***. Mere liye to
Ithihas hi hai na!!!
Wife in movie (18+)
Once sardar saw his wife in a porn movie and got very angry
But then he got relief and said...
"THANK GOD...its just a movie"
But then he got relief and said...
"THANK GOD...its just a movie"
Movie tickets
Husband : Tomorrow is sunday and I want to enjoy it,
so I brought 3 movie tickets
Wife : Why 3
Husband : For you and your parents
so I brought 3 movie tickets
Wife : Why 3
Husband : For you and your parents
Death of father
Sardar's dad died and he was crying
2 minutes later he starts crying louder
Friend : What happened now?
Sardar : My sister just called me and even her dad died
2 minutes later he starts crying louder
Friend : What happened now?
Sardar : My sister just called me and even her dad died
Ek rupiye main teen
Santa: Yaar aaj ek rupiye main teen amrood mil gaye
Banta: Woh kaise?
Santa: Ek rupiye ka ek usne diya,
ek main utha ke bhaga,
aur ek usne mujhe mara
Banta: Woh kaise?
Santa: Ek rupiye ka ek usne diya,
ek main utha ke bhaga,
aur ek usne mujhe mara
Gift for GF
Santa : Mujhe apni girlfriend ko gift dena hai.
Kya Du?
Banta : Choti si ring de de
Santa : Nahi yaar koi badi cheez bata
Banta : MRF ki tyre de de
Kya Du?
Banta : Choti si ring de de
Santa : Nahi yaar koi badi cheez bata
Banta : MRF ki tyre de de
Monday, March 29, 2010
Cost of chicken
Santa : Murga kaise diya,
Shopkeeper : 80 rs., 50 rs, 10 rs
Santa : 10 ka itna sasta kyun?
Shopkeper : Isse aids hain,
Santa : De do khana hain shadi thodi karna hain
Shopkeeper : 80 rs., 50 rs, 10 rs
Santa : 10 ka itna sasta kyun?
Shopkeper : Isse aids hain,
Santa : De do khana hain shadi thodi karna hain
Shortage of prostitutes
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell 'naughty' stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.'They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.'
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
'Young ladies,' said the professor with a broad smile, 'the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon'
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.'They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.'
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
'Young ladies,' said the professor with a broad smile, 'the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon'
Suhagrat
Suhagrat ko
Dhula bola priye bol aj tujhe chand pe le jaun ya taaron me
Dulhan boli pehle tera rocket bata phir decide karungi
Dhula bola priye bol aj tujhe chand pe le jaun ya taaron me
Dulhan boli pehle tera rocket bata phir decide karungi
Dava & Daru
Whats the difference between Dava & Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date
and Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date
and Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
Big problem
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?
Law of gravity
Why newton was shocked when he saw a beautiful girl naked?
He found something in his pant going up against his own law of gravity
He found something in his pant going up against his own law of gravity
Income vs Din kum
An old man married a young Girl
Someone asks the GiRL: Aap ne in mein Shadi ke liye kiya daikha?
Girl: Aik to inki INCOME or dosraa in ke Din kum.
Someone asks the GiRL: Aap ne in mein Shadi ke liye kiya daikha?
Girl: Aik to inki INCOME or dosraa in ke Din kum.
Mazaak ki aadat
Wife: Aapko meri khoobsurati zayada achi lagti hay ya aqalmandi..?
Husband: Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bohot achi Lagti Hay...
Husband: Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bohot achi Lagti Hay...
Speech in English
A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech :
"Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children! This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected,but at last with great difficulty she gave birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"
"Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children! This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected,but at last with great difficulty she gave birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"
BP
Sardar biwi ko dr ke pas dikhane gaya
Usne dr ko bahut mara
Sabne pucha kyo?
Sardar: Dr bola meri biwi ka bp dekhna hain
Usne dr ko bahut mara
Sabne pucha kyo?
Sardar: Dr bola meri biwi ka bp dekhna hain
Marraige ads in the paper
A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published in it.
BANKER:
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
CAR MECHANIC:
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.
DOCTOR:
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.
I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.
DRUNKER:
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home.
Friends come home only seven times a week.
Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.
Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.
LAWYER:
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.
Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.
SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .
There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.
Read more: http://funlok.com/index.php/humor/wife-wanted-very-funny-17022010.html#ixzz0jbPnbmeC
BANKER:
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
CAR MECHANIC:
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.
DOCTOR:
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.
I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.
DRUNKER:
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home.
Friends come home only seven times a week.
Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.
Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.
LAWYER:
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.
Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.
SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .
There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.
LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.
Read more: http://funlok.com/index.php/humor/wife-wanted-very-funny-17022010.html#ixzz0jbPnbmeC
Vase for roses (18+)
Sardar ek din 15 Gulab ke phool leke AA gaya
Biwi khushi ke mare sare kapde utar kar tange upar kar ke palang per let gai
Sardar bola: Kya ghar mein Flower Pot nahin hai?
Biwi khushi ke mare sare kapde utar kar tange upar kar ke palang per let gai
Sardar bola: Kya ghar mein Flower Pot nahin hai?
Rape (18+)
Lady --- Hello, Police station?
A man has entered my house and raping me right now
Caaaaan youuuuuuu aaaaaaaaah ummmmmmmmmm
Uhhhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhh come and arrest him tomorrowwwwwww
A man has entered my house and raping me right now
Caaaaan youuuuuuu aaaaaaaaah ummmmmmmmmm
Uhhhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhh come and arrest him tomorrowwwwwww
Getting suit colored (18+)
Ek totli ladki suit rangwane ke liye gayi aur rang wale se boli
Chut me aisa lun dalna k chut phat jaye magar lun na nikle
Chut me aisa lun dalna k chut phat jaye magar lun na nikle
Proper dressing (18+)
Ladka naha raha tha ki ek ladki NE bell bajai
Ladke NE nange hi darwaza khol diya
Ladki boli kuch pehan kar to aate
Ladka under gaya aur condom pehan kar AA gaya
Ladke NE nange hi darwaza khol diya
Ladki boli kuch pehan kar to aate
Ladka under gaya aur condom pehan kar AA gaya
Rape (18+)
A Sex expert was asked whether rape is possible
while running?
Expert - No Chance!
"Woman can run faster with her skirt up
than a man with pants down."
while running?
Expert - No Chance!
"Woman can run faster with her skirt up
than a man with pants down."
Entertainment tax
A Judge fined a rapist Rs. 10,800
When the man asked why Rs. 10,800?
Judge replied- 10,000 for rape plus 8% entertainment tax.
When the man asked why Rs. 10,800?
Judge replied- 10,000 for rape plus 8% entertainment tax.
Marraige
Angrez - Hamare yahan 80% shaadiyan
e-mail se hoti hain
Bunty- Kamaal hai! hamare yahan
100% shaadiyan female se hoti hain
e-mail se hoti hain
Bunty- Kamaal hai! hamare yahan
100% shaadiyan female se hoti hain
Afsoos (18+)
Man 2 Chemist: Mujhe White colour ka condom dena?
Chemist:White kyon?
Man: Meri Padosan ka pati mar gaya hai
mujhe afsos karne jana hai.
Chemist:White kyon?
Man: Meri Padosan ka pati mar gaya hai
mujhe afsos karne jana hai.
Father
Teacher to Bunty: How old is your father?
Bunty: As old as I am
Teacher: How is that possible?
Bunty: He became father only after I was born.
Bunty: As old as I am
Teacher: How is that possible?
Bunty: He became father only after I was born.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Recharge
Santa - Arre dekh teri biwi ko Saap ne kaat liya hai
Banta - Chinta mat kar yaar... Uska zeher khatam ho gaya hoga ..
Recharge karwane aaya hoga
Banta - Chinta mat kar yaar... Uska zeher khatam ho gaya hoga ..
Recharge karwane aaya hoga
Innocent threat
Most innocent threat:
As the thief was leaving the house..
The kid woke up and said..."Mera school bag bhi le ja kamine warna mummy ko jaga doonga"
As the thief was leaving the house..
The kid woke up and said..."Mera school bag bhi le ja kamine warna mummy ko jaga doonga"
Punishment (18+)
Teacher - Shant baito nahi to bahar nikal kar khada kar doongo
All boys shouted - Pehle mera Pehle mera!!!!
All boys shouted - Pehle mera Pehle mera!!!!
Remove teeth without pain
Santa - Dr kya tum bina dard k daant nikal sakte ho
Dr - No
Santa - Main nikal sakta hoon
Dr - Kaise
Sante - he he he he he he
Dr - No
Santa - Main nikal sakta hoon
Dr - Kaise
Sante - he he he he he he
Exam and S** (18+)
Exam aur S**, k baad ladkiyan kaise mehsoos karti hai
1) Kitna lamba tha
2) Kash thoda time aur mil jata
3) Pahle dar lag raha tha par kitna easy gaya
1) Kitna lamba tha
2) Kash thoda time aur mil jata
3) Pahle dar lag raha tha par kitna easy gaya
Character of a sweater
Shopkeeper - This sweater is made of pure virgin wool
Santa - I am not interested in the character of the sheep...will it keep me warm??
Santa - I am not interested in the character of the sheep...will it keep me warm??
Friday, March 26, 2010
Jack n Jill - Our News Channels...
The Indian TV news channels would report the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are fictitious.
Prashant - TV Anchor
Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.
Amrita Shah
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill - had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.
Prashant
Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?
Amrita
Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “hill breaks crown of pail-boy Jack”]
Prashant
What news of Jack and Jill?
Amrita
Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid Trivedi. Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.
Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “Boy and girl tumble down hill. Water spilled”]
Amrita
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?
Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Amrita
And what happened next?
Shahid Trivedi
Jack fell down and broke his crown
Amrita
Go on.
Shahid Trivedi
And Jill came tumbling after.
Amrita
Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio Prashant.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “Water errand ends in tragedy”]
Prashant
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: a hill; Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?
Professor
Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe enough to break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery or unstable. But I think we’re overlooking something quite fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and – this is the key – Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.
Prashant - TV Anchor
Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.
Amrita Shah
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill - had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.
Prashant
Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?
Amrita
Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “hill breaks crown of pail-boy Jack”]
Prashant
What news of Jack and Jill?
Amrita
Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid Trivedi. Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.
Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “Boy and girl tumble down hill. Water spilled”]
Amrita
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?
Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Amrita
And what happened next?
Shahid Trivedi
Jack fell down and broke his crown
Amrita
Go on.
Shahid Trivedi
And Jill came tumbling after.
Amrita
Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio Prashant.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “Water errand ends in tragedy”]
Prashant
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: a hill; Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?
Professor
Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe enough to break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery or unstable. But I think we’re overlooking something quite fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and – this is the key – Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.
New exam pattern based on IPL rules
Cricket has reached exciting levels with IPL.... Infusing the same thing into exams, some suggestions: -
1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hr and marks to 50.
2. Introduce strategic break after 30 minutes.
3. Give free hit, that is a chance for students to frame their own questions and write answers.
4. 1st 15 minutes power play, that is no invigilator in the exam hall. (Wow…!!! I will love this....!!!)
5. Introduce fair play awards.
6. Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answer written....!!
1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hr and marks to 50.
2. Introduce strategic break after 30 minutes.
3. Give free hit, that is a chance for students to frame their own questions and write answers.
4. 1st 15 minutes power play, that is no invigilator in the exam hall. (Wow…!!! I will love this....!!!)
5. Introduce fair play awards.
6. Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answer written....!!
JESUS IN THE BATHROOM
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
Read more: http://funlok.com/index.php/jokes/jesus-in-the-bathroom-26022010.html#ixzz0jJ7baVUw
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
Read more: http://funlok.com/index.php/jokes/jesus-in-the-bathroom-26022010.html#ixzz0jJ7baVUw
The Magic vibrator (18+)
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo0.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history.
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo0.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history.
I dont smoke(18+)
A young man told his doctor that he was very embarrassed about the size of this penis and that potential sexual partners laughed at him.
On examination, the Willie certainly was weenie. The doctor established that the man had no trouble appealing to women, talking with them, inviting them back to his apartment, or he to theirs.
He suggested that perhaps he should try undressing with the lights out and slowly introducing his potential partner's hand to the smallish member so as not to shock.
The bloke thought it was worth a try as mates kept telling him size didn't matter and he was loathe to undergo penile enlargement surgery.
That weekend an attractive young lady accepted his invitation back to his apartment… the lights very dimmed very low during passionate moments of undressing, the girls hand was guided towards the miniscule erection.
In the dark she whispered, "No thanks, I don't smoke!"
On examination, the Willie certainly was weenie. The doctor established that the man had no trouble appealing to women, talking with them, inviting them back to his apartment, or he to theirs.
He suggested that perhaps he should try undressing with the lights out and slowly introducing his potential partner's hand to the smallish member so as not to shock.
The bloke thought it was worth a try as mates kept telling him size didn't matter and he was loathe to undergo penile enlargement surgery.
That weekend an attractive young lady accepted his invitation back to his apartment… the lights very dimmed very low during passionate moments of undressing, the girls hand was guided towards the miniscule erection.
In the dark she whispered, "No thanks, I don't smoke!"
Height of Confidence
What is the height of confidence?
A 99yr old lady buying a new sim card with lifetime validity
A 99yr old lady buying a new sim card with lifetime validity
Grandpa's teeth
Grandpa - Puttar aandar se mere daath le ao
Puttar - Par daddu abhi roti bani nahi hai
Grandpa - Oye!! roti nu maar goli yaar, Samne wali buddhi nu Smile deni hai
Puttar - Par daddu abhi roti bani nahi hai
Grandpa - Oye!! roti nu maar goli yaar, Samne wali buddhi nu Smile deni hai
Peacock (18+)
Kaamwali bai ko kuch ladke ched rahe the
Bai: Batameezi karoge to Mor bana doongi
Ladke: Mor kaise banaogi
Bai: Madar**** gaand main jhadu dal k!!!
Bai: Batameezi karoge to Mor bana doongi
Ladke: Mor kaise banaogi
Bai: Madar**** gaand main jhadu dal k!!!
Parking problem
Police - " Oye car parking main bike Q park kia? "
Chota Santa - " Sirf do paiyo ka fark hai uncle...Aah jaenge!! "
Chota Santa - " Sirf do paiyo ka fark hai uncle...Aah jaenge!! "
Solution to problems
Santa - Insaan ko zindagi main koi bhi problem ho to kisske pass jana chahiye??"
Banta - Farmer
Santa - Q?
Banta - Uske pass "HAL" hota hai
Banta - Farmer
Santa - Q?
Banta - Uske pass "HAL" hota hai
Death report
A Marvadi calls a newspaper company to print the death of his grandpa
Clerk - Rs.50/- per word
Marvadi - Grandpa Dead
Clerk - Sorry sir, minimum 5 words
Marvadi - Grandpa dead, wheelchair for sale
Clerk - Rs.50/- per word
Marvadi - Grandpa Dead
Clerk - Sorry sir, minimum 5 words
Marvadi - Grandpa dead, wheelchair for sale
Raam navmi
Munna bhai -Yaar Circuit Ram Navami kyun manai jaati hai??
Circuit - Simple hai bhai.."Iss din Shri Ramji ne 8 vi pass karke 9vi class main gaye the."
Circuit - Simple hai bhai.."Iss din Shri Ramji ne 8 vi pass karke 9vi class main gaye the."
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Challenge
Ek bar exam ke paper main question tha:
"Challenge kisse kehte hai?"
Santa ne papers khali chodkar last page par likha
"APNI BAAP KI AULAAD HAI TO PASS KARKE DIKHA!!!"
"Challenge kisse kehte hai?"
Santa ne papers khali chodkar last page par likha
"APNI BAAP KI AULAAD HAI TO PASS KARKE DIKHA!!!"
Save urself
Santa galti se samundar main gir gaya
Dubte dubte uske hath main machli aah gai
Santa ne usse pakadkar bahar pehka aur bola
"Ja tu to apni jaan bachale!!!"
Dubte dubte uske hath main machli aah gai
Santa ne usse pakadkar bahar pehka aur bola
"Ja tu to apni jaan bachale!!!"
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