History book(18+)

Boy -Dadaji kya padh rahe ho?

Dadaji -Ithihas

Boy -Par ye to sex ki kitaab hai

Dadaji -Abe, bhosd***. Mere liye to
Ithihas hi hai na!!!

Wife in movie (18+)

Once sardar saw his wife in a porn movie and got very angry

But then he got relief and said...

"THANK GOD...its just a movie"

Movie tickets

Husband : Tomorrow is sunday and I want to enjoy it,
so I brought 3 movie tickets

Wife : Why 3

Husband : For you and your parents

Death of father

Sardar's dad died and he was crying

2 minutes later he starts crying louder

Friend : What happened now?

Sardar : My sister just called me and even her dad died

Ek rupiye main teen

Santa: Yaar aaj ek rupiye main teen amrood mil gaye

Banta: Woh kaise?

Santa: Ek rupiye ka ek usne diya,
ek main utha ke bhaga,
aur ek usne mujhe mara

Gift for GF

Santa : Mujhe apni girlfriend ko gift dena hai.
Kya Du?

Banta : Choti si ring de de

Santa : Nahi yaar koi badi cheez bata

Banta : MRF ki tyre de de

Cost of chicken

Santa : Murga kaise diya,

Shopkeeper : 80 rs., 50 rs, 10 rs

Santa : 10 ka itna sasta kyun?

Shopkeper : Isse aids hain,

Santa : De do khana hain shadi thodi karna hain

Shortage of prostitutes

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell 'naughty' stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.'They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.'

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

'Young ladies,' said the professor with a broad smile, 'the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon'

Suhagrat

Suhagrat ko

Dhula bola priye bol aj tujhe chand pe le jaun ya taaron me

Dulhan boli pehle tera rocket bata phir decide karungi

Dava & Daru

Whats the difference between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date

and Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

Big problem

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Law of gravity

Why newton was shocked when he saw a beautiful girl naked?

He found something in his pant going up against his own law of gravity

Income vs Din kum

An old man married a young Girl

Someone asks the GiRL: Aap ne in mein Shadi ke liye kiya daikha?

Girl: Aik to inki INCOME or dosraa in ke Din kum.

Mazaak ki aadat

Wife: Aapko meri khoobsurati zayada achi lagti hay ya aqalmandi..?

Husband: Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bohot achi Lagti Hay...

Speech in English

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech :


"Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children! This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.


Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected,but at last with great difficulty she gave birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.


We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.


You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.


The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day you will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.


I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"

BP

Sardar biwi ko dr ke pas dikhane gaya

Usne dr ko bahut mara

Sabne pucha kyo?

Sardar: Dr bola meri biwi ka bp dekhna hain

Marraige ads in the paper

A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published in it.

BANKER:

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

CAR MECHANIC:

Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.

DOCTOR:

Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.

I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

DRUNKER:

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home.

Friends come home only seven times a week.
Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.
Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

LAWYER:

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.
The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be strictly a girl.
The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.
Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER

Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities) .

There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.

LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.

Read more: http://funlok.com/index.php/humor/wife-wanted-very-funny-17022010.html#ixzz0jbPnbmeC

Vase for roses (18+)

Sardar ek din 15 Gulab ke phool leke AA gaya

Biwi khushi ke mare sare kapde utar kar tange upar kar ke palang per let gai

Sardar bola: Kya ghar mein Flower Pot nahin hai?

Rape (18+)

Lady --- Hello, Police station?
A man has entered my house and raping me right now
Caaaaan youuuuuuu aaaaaaaaah ummmmmmmmmm
Uhhhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhh come and arrest him tomorrowwwwwww

Getting suit colored (18+)

Ek totli ladki suit rangwane ke liye gayi aur rang wale se boli

Chut me aisa lun dalna k chut phat jaye magar lun na nikle

Proper dressing (18+)

Ladka naha raha tha ki ek ladki NE bell bajai

Ladke NE nange hi darwaza khol diya

Ladki boli kuch pehan kar to aate

Ladka under gaya aur condom pehan kar AA gaya

Fact of life

After Monday and Tuesday...

Even the calendar says

W T F

Rape (18+)

A Sex expert was asked whether rape is possible
while running?

Expert - No Chance!
"Woman can run faster with her skirt up
than a man with pants down."

Entertainment tax

A Judge fined a rapist Rs. 10,800

When the man asked why Rs. 10,800?

Judge replied- 10,000 for rape plus 8% entertainment tax.

Marraige

Angrez - Hamare yahan 80% shaadiyan
e-mail se hoti hain

Bunty- Kamaal hai! hamare yahan
100% shaadiyan female se hoti hain

Afsoos (18+)

Man 2 Chemist: Mujhe White colour ka condom dena?

Chemist:White kyon?

Man: Meri Padosan ka pati mar gaya hai
mujhe afsos karne jana hai.

Father

Teacher to Bunty: How old is your father?

Bunty: As old as I am

Teacher: How is that possible?

Bunty: He became father only after I was born.

Recharge

Santa - Arre dekh teri biwi ko Saap ne kaat liya hai

Banta - Chinta mat kar yaar... Uska zeher khatam ho gaya hoga ..
Recharge karwane aaya hoga

Innocent threat

Most innocent threat:

As the thief was leaving the house..

The kid woke up and said..."Mera school bag bhi le ja kamine warna mummy ko jaga doonga"

Punishment (18+)

Teacher - Shant baito nahi to bahar nikal kar khada kar doongo

All boys shouted - Pehle mera Pehle mera!!!!

Remove teeth without pain

Santa - Dr kya tum bina dard k daant nikal sakte ho

Dr - No

Santa - Main nikal sakta hoon

Dr - Kaise

Sante - he he he he he he

Exam and S** (18+)

Exam aur S**, k baad ladkiyan kaise mehsoos karti hai

1) Kitna lamba tha

2) Kash thoda time aur mil jata

3) Pahle dar lag raha tha par kitna easy gaya

Character of a sweater

Shopkeeper - This sweater is made of pure virgin wool

Santa - I am not interested in the character of the sheep...will it keep me warm??

Jack n Jill - Our News Channels...

The Indian TV news channels would report the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are fictitious.


Prashant - TV Anchor
Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.

Amrita Shah
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill - had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.

Prashant
Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?

Amrita
Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “hill breaks crown of pail-boy Jack”]

Prashant
What news of Jack and Jill?

Amrita
Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid Trivedi. Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.

Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “Boy and girl tumble down hill. Water spilled”]

Amrita
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?

Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

Amrita
And what happened next?

Shahid Trivedi
Jack fell down and broke his crown

Amrita
Go on.

Shahid Trivedi
And Jill came tumbling after.

Amrita
Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio Prashant.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: “Water errand ends in tragedy”]

Prashant
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: a hill; Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?

Professor
Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe enough to break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery or unstable. But I think we’re overlooking something quite fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and – this is the key – Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.

New exam pattern based on IPL rules

Cricket has reached exciting levels with IPL.... Infusing the same thing into exams, some suggestions: -

1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hr and marks to 50.

2. Introduce strategic break after 30 minutes.

3. Give free hit, that is a chance for students to frame their own questions and write answers.

4. 1st 15 minutes power play, that is no invigilator in the exam hall. (Wow…!!! I will love this....!!!)

5. Introduce fair play awards.

6. Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answer written....!!

JESUS IN THE BATHROOM

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"



Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.



Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Read more: http://funlok.com/index.php/jokes/jesus-in-the-bathroom-26022010.html#ixzz0jJ7baVUw

The Magic vibrator (18+)

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?


The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo0.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'


The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..


The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.


On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'


The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

I dont smoke(18+)

A young man told his doctor that he was very embarrassed about the size of this penis and that potential sexual partners laughed at him.


On examination, the Willie certainly was weenie. The doctor established that the man had no trouble appealing to women, talking with them, inviting them back to his apartment, or he to theirs.


He suggested that perhaps he should try undressing with the lights out and slowly introducing his potential partner's hand to the smallish member so as not to shock.


The bloke thought it was worth a try as mates kept telling him size didn't matter and he was loathe to undergo penile enlargement surgery.


That weekend an attractive young lady accepted his invitation back to his apartment… the lights very dimmed very low during passionate moments of undressing, the girls hand was guided towards the miniscule erection.


In the dark she whispered, "No thanks, I don't smoke!"

Height of Confidence

What is the height of confidence?

A 99yr old lady buying a new sim card with lifetime validity

Grandpa's teeth

Grandpa - Puttar aandar se mere daath le ao

Puttar - Par daddu abhi roti bani nahi hai

Grandpa - Oye!! roti nu maar goli yaar, Samne wali buddhi nu Smile deni hai

Peacock (18+)

Kaamwali bai ko kuch ladke ched rahe the

Bai: Batameezi karoge to Mor bana doongi

Ladke: Mor kaise banaogi

Bai: Madar**** gaand main jhadu dal k!!!

Parking problem

Police - " Oye car parking main bike Q park kia? "

Chota Santa - " Sirf do paiyo ka fark hai uncle...Aah jaenge!! "

Solution to problems

Santa - Insaan ko zindagi main koi bhi problem ho to kisske pass jana chahiye??"

Banta - Farmer

Santa - Q?

Banta - Uske pass "HAL" hota hai

Death report

A Marvadi calls a newspaper company to print the death of his grandpa

Clerk - Rs.50/- per word

Marvadi - Grandpa Dead

Clerk - Sorry sir, minimum 5 words

Marvadi - Grandpa dead, wheelchair for sale

Raam navmi

Munna bhai -Yaar Circuit Ram Navami kyun manai jaati hai??

Circuit - Simple hai bhai.."Iss din Shri Ramji ne 8 vi pass karke 9vi class main gaye the."

Challenge

Ek bar exam ke paper main question tha:
"Challenge kisse kehte hai?"

Santa ne papers khali chodkar last page par likha
"APNI BAAP KI AULAAD HAI TO PASS KARKE DIKHA!!!"

Save urself

Santa galti se samundar main gir gaya

Dubte dubte uske hath main machli aah gai

Santa ne usse pakadkar bahar pehka aur bola
"Ja tu to apni jaan bachale!!!"